For The Brave Girls in Our Lives

To live a bold and uncommon life, you are probably going to turn a lot of heads and make a lot of other heads shake in unbelief about the path you have chosen for yourself. ~ Brave Girls Club

This Christmas, my best friend Judy bought me this unique Heart Cockle shell. In October 2011, while in Hawaii for the first time, I had written a special blog dedication to Shayla about the shell.

Once the holidays are upon me, I settle into a place of acceptance that my life was set upon a different path since 2011. The mayhem, clamour and often dysfunction of Christmas’s past, have been filed into closed chapters of my life.
  
This year, I was missing the one person, who understands what it is like to have a daughter pass away. 

Flowers I bought for my BFF

I have written about my best friend Judy, many times since our first meeting on Christmas Day, several years ago. We know from the heavens, both Lindsay and Shayla, orchestrated our footsteps to one another. 

We try to see one another as much as possible, yet it had been months since Mother’s Day, when we had spent the day together. 

This December, I would spend part of my week with Judy and discover more about the person, I call my Forever friend. 

My morning view in Campbell River

At first, I did not recognize her as she walked towards me- cascading blonde, ribbon, highlights framing her heart shaped face. Then she smiled and when Judy does this, the creases around her eyes form glints of a welcome that makes everything seem right in this world. 

Our girls… if here, would be making funny faces over the way we seem to revert to a bunch of giggling 12 yr olds, in each other’s presences. 

Once settled where my friend is house and pet sitting, we delve into the stories of our lives. Soon, the rafters are filled with boisterous laughter. Her and I speak of plans to make…then realize that is pointless and decide to ‘wing it’. 

Metal artwork that greeted me- reminiscent of my own shielded heart

The beauty of our friendship is the openness we share with one another. No topic is off limits- as we discuss everything with a boldness that is not of judgement- rather one of support. 

At times throughout the years when the notion of giving up sneaks upon me, I have pondered how my BFF has encouraged me to keep on. I now understand it echoes her own sentiments of not wanting to quit- despite the circumstances. 

Our late nights were held in the company of several affectionate and gentle pit bulls named Gizmo, Princess and Snowball. To look into the eyes of these beautiful animals is to see what happens when love is infused into their upbringing and training. Often, I would be woken up on the couch, in the early morning hours by one of the dogs, who would place their head upon my shoulder…wanting to cuddle. 

Mixed in with our time, were visits to the dollar store, where Judy has devoted nineteen years to working at. I watched as she greeted customers by name, assisted with their purchases and dished out her sense of humour that makes my belly laugh! 

I met some of the other ladies who are employed by the same company. A woman named Lily touched my heart without knowing how deeply I was affected by her tragic loss. One day after Judy had gone into the store, I noticed a bumper sticker on Lily’s parked vehicle. It had a picture of a striking, young girl with golden hair and a beautiful smile. The words gripped my heart:

Justice for Caitlyn. 

Lily’s fifteen year old daughter Caitlyn had been murdered in Campbell River. In sharing about this tragedy, I wanted to bring focus on the horrible reality that the crimes committed against her have never seen justice occur!

In meeting Caitlyn’s mother Lily, I offered her a hug that only parents who have had a child pass away understand the significance; without having to say a word.

Another Brave Girl, Lily reminded me the sheer courage it takes to carry the torch, just as Judy has with her involvement with The Compassionate Friends. 

During the visit, my BFF and I shared endless moments of bonding, where our words gave away into bursts of laughter. Now, instead of tears of sorrow, we cried out our joy! At one point my attempt at being flirtatious with someone Judy knew, turned into a hysterical Mr. Bean scene and after the gentleman had left, my friend re-enacted my wallowing efforts…for the next hour, in between slapping her leg…still, I made no apologies. Deep inside, I thought how I would do anything- even place myself at the butt of jokes- just to see Judy encapsulated in happiness. 

Throughout the days we had together, I was treated by my friend to various dining experiences. The food was great company for the conversations we kept with one another. While engaged in talk about future dating prospects, I contort my face into an unappealing sight and Judy was in stitches. For me, this IS True friendship! Acting silly, holding each other when our worlds fall apart and being able to turn road travels into a sumptuous journey. 

While at a cafe in Courtney, I saw a beautiful "Sign." Both Lindsay and Shayla shared the middle name of Dawn in different variations. Before Shae passed, she was working on the Action of Homelessness Plan in Kamloops. I bought a jar of cherry jelly xo

Many late nights transpired as we talked far past the midnight hour… there was never any silence between us. 

When we exchanged our Christmas gifts, I was like an excited teenager giving my secret pal her presents! Our treasures to one another contained sentimental and silly things…yet what mattered most was that I was in the presence of someone who loves me and the battle scars I have. A friend who texts me how beautiful, fearless and wise I am. Judy is that special someone who I saw many people give hugs to in her community and they responded by saying “I love you!” It is the kindness of my friend that warrants such a glowing response, to those she encounters. 

Christmas gift I received from a young girl named Shania- who painted a quote from Maya Angelou- reminds me of Judy xo

Beyond all of the holiday things shared, I would lay awake and fold my hands in prayer, thanking God for the best present I ever received. On that Christmas Day when I met Judy Dowd, with all the tragic loss that separated us from our daughters…a million dreams we wished upon the stars…collided in our friendship. 

Candle of Life, Laughter and Love, hand decorated and gifted to me by Judy

Someday, I will take Judy to the special spot in Hawaii where I released my babygirl’s ashes and we can ‘visit’ Shayla… in Aloha spirit. 

The day of my departure, I asked my friend to take me to the ocean for a release connected to my daughter. I was overcome with emotion as she brought me to a memorial park, bordering the seaside that had wooden carvings of transformation…visions that encompassed the afterlife. I was drawn to a stunning angel, hands in prayer…looking out to the deep blue. 

I had bought a wishing card. It contained red tissue paper and I was to write five wishes. At the beach, once they were lit, my wishes were suppose to drift off towards the heavens. Only two made it…the others went down in flames. This prompted more laughter from both of us and kind of symbolic of how my life seems to play itself out. Only time will tell if my other two wishes come true.

Reaching into my sweater pocket, I pulled out something that had hung on my rear-view mirror for the past six years. Judy had no knowledge of what I was about to do. 

In my hands, I held onto the car keys and the KSS décor that once belonged to my sweet girl. These were the same keys that Shayla’s fingers had touched as she turned them over one last time in the ignition of her vehicle…the day she died. KSS was the school she had graduated from. It was time for me to let go. Releasing them back into the ocean only seemed fitting. Looking at Judy, I heaved them into the waters and said: “No matter what Shayla…the LOVE remains.” 

Before I left Campbell River, I gave this gift for my BFF. It was painted on canvas, from one of the many talented artists of the Brave Girls Club. 

In my daily emails, I receive uplifting messages from them. The following, sums up how at some point in every woman’s life, the feeling of inadequacy has been experienced. Let the words settle into each of you who have read my post… By TL Alton 

One of the funny things about life is that we often believe the one negative voice that is surrounded by the hundreds of positive ones. Please believe the people who love you, the people who know you, the people who want what is best for you.....and let go of any other voices that don't speak the truth. Even let go of the voices that speak the partial truth but then season it with a few painful jabs here and there that only cause discouragement and doubt. Stick to the truth. Yes, stick to the truth. The truth is that you are beloved...and that there is nothing you have to do to earn that or to fight for it or to maintain it. You are beloved. Right here, right now. You always have been and you always will be....and that is something that you can count on.
Please believe it.
You are so very loved.
Xoxo
Brave Girls Club      Link>>>    bravegirlsclub.com

Death- Where is Your Sting? Part 2

 

I awake like I have every December 12^th since 2011 with the same simple prayer… “Today, I am one day closer.”
In my mind, I see my daughter on a small boat, sailing to her final resting place. Shayla is at peace. 

One day, I will embark on my own voyage and leave behind a world of turmoil. In the meantime, I plug into my ‘fight song’ and the warrior within raises me out of bed, to spread the light of Shae that others have come to know still lives on. 

I know this day of sorrow is not solely mine, for the 12^th  is the birthday of my best friend’s daughter, Lindsay who passed away. A newfound friend named Pam told me about a gentleman , who shared his 21 yr old son died six years ago on the very day, Shayla did. It is called Club 21 and no parent wants to have a membership to. 

My cell phone begins to fill with messages… from the connections in my life comes an outpouring of love and prayers. 

From a lady I have yet to meet…who also had two sons and a grandson pass away: Hi sunshine. Gentleness and beauty for your heart today my friend...Hugs, Pam

“Hi Tonya, I write to you on what was the worst day of your life and every parent’s greatest fear. May you find some joy on this day, the day that changed you forever.  Your blog post makes me believe this is possible. Hugs TJ” 

There was a beautiful outpouring of kindness from Judy, Sarah, Terry, Michelle, Sherry, Alicia, Cindy and Gary. 

Created by Shayla and sent to me on Mother's Day xo
Their words settled on me as I prepared for a day that instead of closing my heart off, I was choosing to Celebrate my daughter’s life. More messages came in a flow of love as people embraced the bond Shayla and I had. While a source of the enemy wanted to rub into my scarred heart, the imperfections of our relationship, I know where I stand six years after her passing…we had one of the strongest bonds.

A week before, I had passed by the CFAX Santa’s Anonymous table, with a tree decorated with requests by kids. I decided to look and was near the end without anything jumping out at me, when suddenly I saw it. A young 8 year old girl had written: “I love the colour purple and would like a comforter for Christmas.”

I took the coloured paper ornament off, gave my information and soon came back with a reversible bed cover. I chose it for the beautiful message it had printed: Strong Girls will rule the world…Girls Rock…just Be awesome, Be Brave! A bonus was the one side was completely purple with small stars. 

Today, accessing my daily truth from Brave Living, a passage leapt out at me.
"If something shows back up in your life, friend…please don’t let it scare you, haunt you or bring you shame. Just know that it must be time to heal a little bit more of it…to learn a little more…to let a little bit more go. You are so very loved. Xoxo"
 
Before leaving, I took another look at the lovely bouquet of flowers from Jenn and Tim, the couple who I stay in one of their rooms. The white flowers had silver glitter all dusted over their petals. The note said: In Celebration of her life. Love Tim and Jenn. 

While waiting for transit to show up, I took a bag of chocolate dipped shortbread around to the people waiting for the bus. A young man named Richard was overcome with emotion, when I explained about my pin. He shared how he had finished taking courses in Mental Health and Addictions (just as Shayla had) and now he was going to pursue a career as a Social Worker. In my head, I was raising a glass to the heavens and rejoicing.

On the bus, I took account of the cookie and treat bags I had made up. Looking at the seat in front of me, my eyes were on the glints of light and I thought of my babygirl. xo

 
I reflected back to the box of Christmas cards I had written out the night before. Each one held a sentiment that expressed the value of a person, living on the streets. I inserted a sparkling, paper, angel that I had written words such as Hope, Strength, Love and other words of light. 

I knew my day would be long and I prayed for my own courage needed to set out on the mission I was on. The goal of the day was to do as many random acts of kindness, as possible. 

On my way walking to a restaurant, I saw a stressed man, broken down at the side of the road. I stopped to inquire if everything was alright. Turns out he had some very expressive words to convey his situation…but said BCAA was on the way! He noticed my pin and asked about it. I introduced myself to Darren, sharing the passing of my daughter. His face softened and I reached into my bag of goodies asking him if he would like a cookie? He was sheepish and took the shortbread I gave, with a smile. I offered a hug, which he happily took and as I was leaving, I patted Darren’s shoulder…”Hang in there!” I said. 

My first stop was to go to Boston Pizza…a business where Shayla once worked. It felt like the timing was perfect as the song greeting me in was ‘Celebration Time.’  I was wearing my favourite pin of my babygirl- right above my heart. Shae loved her ‘Pasta Tuesdays,’ therefore I ordered a dish. I had a mango juice cocktail. After looking at the dessert menu, I found a perfect example of donating to the BP Foundation Future Prospects. 

I ordered it and was glad I had! Before I was going to pay my bill, a waitress named Natalie asked about my pin. I am used to the inquiry and shared about Shayla and how she had brought safety changes to the road, where her car wreck occurred. Turned out Natalie is a mother of a 21 yr old daughter. She said that my bill was taken care of, as she had paid it! I was deeply touched by her kind gesture, all the while adding up how much my bill, plus donation was as I would later gift the money homeless youth. I left a nice tip and smiled at how I was trying to give when I was receiving. 

I walked up to the courtyard of the shopping center and was approaching an elderly homeless man. I asked if he wanted a bag of cookies and at first he hesitated, but then thrust forth a hand that looked like a road map, matching his creases on his face. I gave him the envelope containing the Christmas card. When I explained what was inside, his face drooped and tears formed in his eyes. His words were stammered as his hand began to tremble. Nothing more was needed as that paper card and angel held in his palm meant the world to him. 

At Starbucks, Rebecca asked about my pin and again I shared. When asked what name I wanted on my coffee cup, I didn’t hesitate… “Shayla.” 

This day was all about celebrating her. 

When I paid for my coffee she gave me a card for a free beverage! I just sighed as I calculated the cost of it and how I would give that amount away…which I did at The Salvation Army Kettle ball, with volunteer Peggy at the helm. I shared how Shayla used to ring the bells and she liked hearing how a young person gave of their time. 

Before leaving the area, I stopped into the Adrenaline Zip kiosk, where I spent time speaking with two wonderful young ladies, Andy and Megan. I talked about the Bungee jump Shayla and I had done for charity, much to the chagrin of the girls, once they discovered we were sans clothes! Our conversation took a poignant turn when I made a special request. I asked them to call their moms to say they loved them. I divulged how I miss hearing those three words from my daughter. With tears Andy said she was going to do it right away and suddenly Megan came around from behind the kiosk and wrapped her arms around me… “I Love You!” At that moment I was engulfed with the greatest feeling of importance... to someone I did not even know. 

Once back on the bus, I travel downtown in search of those in need. I am greeted with hugs and a group of homeless people remember me, from my last visit. I take note how much the Christmas cards mean to them. Some open up theirs right in front of me and when they see the angel, faces light up. It felt as if death’s sting had been taken out from my broken heart! 

The twisted nature of the enemy finds a fracture amongst your scars- a place where the radiance can come through- leaves an opening for the darkness to seep in. While my day had been infused with joy and good deeds, my night was plagued by disbelief, hurt, anger and finally pent up release, over a situation I was blindsided by.

While I encountered the sting of the enemy, I refuse to let it take hold.

Tomorrow is a new day and God knows what went on behind closed doors in order for me to make the final decision to let go…hands folded in prayer...not for how I reacted, but for the way I shared my hurt.

My long day ended, with me walking the three blocks, to where I am staying. Arriving in tears, I thanked God for giving me the strength to trust in Him.
At the door to my room, I found this: 

Shayla was COMPASSION…Shayla was LIGHT and on the sixth year marking her passing, I chose to spend this December 12th, as a testimony to the LOVE her ripples are still spreading. 

By TL Alton

The Shoes Which Left Footprints on Souls Part 1

While others are skiing at Chalets or ice skating on the Natrel, my swollen joints remind me of the inherited blight of arthritis I have acquired. 
Walking in the cold towards the bus that I always seem to just miss, my steps cross in the same direction as another woman. I notice her long tresses that shine like obsidian under the loyal companion of the moon. Adorning her head is a felted, coal, hat that cups her features in its brim. The outline of the woman conjures up a vision of Diana Gabaldon. 

Our smiles lock onto one another and as I tip my hat towards the woman and compliment her, she makes contact. Words spill forth of an upcoming birthday. In my mind, I wonder maybe her 50^th? Then her reply astonishes me and I react as if she verbally has shocked me. “I will be turning 80 years in a few days!” The crescent of her blue eyes commands my attention. “Oh my! You look so…” 
Before I can say anymore, she relishes the secret of youth. 
“Always be kind to others then you don’t wear bitterness on you.” 

For eighty years young, the lady shared how she was a collector of hats and whimsical tales. Mulling over her presence, she carried on with a confident walk of living those words. 

Later in the evening, I smiled when I saw her approaching. “We meet again my friend,” she rejoiced. This time I asked her name? “Trish,” she declared. I introduced myself and after we had chatted, she commented:  “Our paths will cross again someday and when they do, we will go for a Christmas cocktail!” Then she was off into the night... like a black panther who had lived a hundred lives and seen many battles…Miss Trish had stories to tell.

Once on the transit that carries me to my current place of residence, my thoughts skipped back and forth over my chance encounter – twice, of meeting this effervescent woman. 

I thought of all the people who have been spun into the quilt of my life and the colourful threads of acquaintances…some whose hearts are still aligned with mine and others whose ships sailed when the tempest came. 

As often what happens when the humming of the bus lulls me into reflecting, I let the crevices of my heart open to memories of my babygirl. 

If still alive, Shayla would be turning 28 years old. 

Her love for Christmas was only matched with the giving of her golden heart she carried within. 

A smile crept across my lips when I recalled how earlier in the week, I had opened some music files on my computer that is ten years old. The playlists I decided to listen to were not mine, but a compilation of Shayla’s favourite tunes, as the laptop I compose on, once belonged to her.    

Plugging in my earphones, I sat and tuned into the world that she once existed within. Suddenly, Beastie Boy’s Brass Monkey was thumping away and then Whisky Lullaby came into my airwaves. The lyrics of Swing Life Away trailed off onto Free Falling…soon followed by Buffalo Soldier. 
 One of the songs that I know would be on her mp3 player now would be Imagine Dragons ~Thunder. Every time I listen to it, I smile and think of her. 

I decided while listening to the playlist of her life, to step back in time to the special vault Shayla and I still have, despite our separated realms. Accessing the messages her and I shared over the years on Facebook, I was able to read between mother and daughter, the unbreakable bond that leaps off the many pages. 

I closed my eyes and imagined what one day it will be like… to be side by side with her again. 

I was doing well until I came across a message I had posted to Shayla in 2009. I spoke of our tradition to go and place ornaments on the Tree of Memories, in remembrance of loved ones. A single sentence took hold of me… “My sweet babygirl…momma Never wants you be an ornament on the tree we visit every Christmas.” Two years later, I was joined by others as we took an assortment of colourful, sparkling, décor to hang in her memory. 

Now six years later, I ‘prepare’ for December 12^th. 

I decided to reach out to those who either knew Shayla or through my endless stream of blog posts, grew to be touched by my sweet angel. I asked for a simple text or more if they felt compelled to. With the sharing of their words… they let me know of a young lady, whose dancing shoes left imprints on their souls.

By TL Alton 

This response is worthy of an email not a text xo

The first memory that came to mind was a video you presented me with Shayla on a swing enjoying the moment with a friend and a song amongst her voice.

I also remember the radiant smile that lit up her face the single and monumental time I was fortunate enough to meet her in person at the pharmacy. I remember that she was far more than the word beautiful could ever explain.  She was epic!

I think mostly I value her ability to completely love and embrace adversity.  She offers me a daily and sometimes even momentary reminder that we must love all and every one /thing.  

I hold very dearly to my heart the rock lover that she was.  Had it not been for her love of stones/rocks I may never have nurtured this fellow trait in myself.  

Mostly I am so happy that she chose you as a momma for our paths may never had crossed.

Thank you Shayla, thank you.

Sarah Kube

 

“My memory comes from you, as I never had the opportunity to meet Shae, though I wish dearly that I had. I like the story of her going into social work & pursuing the program at TRU. She would have been brilliant in the field and it sadly compounds the loss even more. I just like that she was compelled to help others. I wish I had known her.” ~ Amanda Swoboda

There are so many…but one that stands out was when you told me about your naked bungy jump for charity, story. Haha I just thought that was so awesome. Just shows both of your free spirited adventurous natures. But so do many of your other stories together. It never seemed like a dull moment when you 2 were together.  ~Alicia Guzauskas

I remember Shayla coming to visit me in Penticton and staying a couple of nights. She was always great company and would make me laugh. ~ Love from Auntie Sherry Brown 

Michelle Wells wrote:  Since I never had the pleasure of getting to know Shayla when she was older, the one memory that sticks in my mind, is when I came to visit you in Victoria and you shared with me your trip to Disneyworld with her. The airlines lost your luggage and yet you had all those laughs in the hotel room, as you waited for your luggage to show up…how you made the best of everything. I really just envy the friendship you shared as mother and daughter…my heart aches that was taken away from you.

I also love the story of Shayla’s graduation and her beautiful Belle dress!!

“I don’t know how you have managed to live without her? Shayla was one of the good ones…” ~ Uncle Brad Murphy 

 

I have fondest memories of us on the beach, collecting rocks and seashells. We did special things together and shared the same silly humour. 

~ Grandma Dee