Battle Cry

Every scar on my skin
Is a beautiful reminder
Of a moment when I didn’t give in
And I walked through the fire…

~Hannah Kerr,  "Warrior"

From where I sit, my thoughts drift over the past year like grains of sand flitted about the desert Apache plume.

The various interactions over the previous 365 days, have served me an abundance of overlaying blessings, while attaching itself to my battle scars, are the lapses I have made. They serve a purpose; not of judgement rather a guide to navigate places of my past, I want to improve upon.

Most of my summer spent in Port Alberni, took me in directions that saw me overcome the shadows - monsters that did not need closets to hide in - became vapors engulfed by forgiveness. His powerful reign in my life, saw me for the first time in my 46 years of existence, unpack the flatbed of baggage I had been chained too. What I had failed to see in the elapsing of time, was all along in my palm, I held the skeleton key to face the rattling bones.

"If you don't let go of your past...it will strangle your future."

My breakthrough came when I accepted that I was the one responsible for letting others steal my joy. Every cornerstone of my life was brought into the light. The exception was my childhood which was a myriad of debauchery; for this I had to remove the stains placed upon my innocence. I let my soul be cleansed by the tides of living waters, while freely letting go of what I should never have owned in the first place.

In the home of Gary and Cindy, I found an abundance of the Saviour’s love and a place where upon finding the bravery to share my darkest secrets, I sang my battle cry!

Leaving Port Alberni, the ghosts of my past were swept up in the gale force winds.

However, there was naivety on my part to think the hellfire once surrounding me, would release me for good. When we put out the welcome mat to the enemy, in walks the devil carrying Starbucks.

I have not dated in five years as the hurts of an unsettling past needed to be dealt with first. In 2016, I received Christian counselling and with the time spent healing in Port, my heart felt ready to trust again.

Summoning up the courage to reach out to others, I chose my words in hopes to ignite a connection, with another. Over a week later, the person who arrived under false pretenses was removed out of my life, as I stood my ground with a terse goodbye.

What I learned was the choices I made were the wrong ones, that my past behaviors struggle with the present and I have to be accountable for my actions.

Recently, I had a discussion at a bakery with someone, regarding the adversity I've overcome. After I noticed a napkin placed on the glass shelf. At first I was going to toss it away...then I read the words a person had written.

To the stranger who left a note of kindness, Thank you from my heart to yours, as I see it everyday when I begin my morning studies.

One night I was out for a walk and I discovered a metal, heart, sculpture. Within the structure, were various locks containing the words of lovers, bound in unity. Gazing at the elements of its construction I thought how locks can be broken, love can be shattered and trust can be defiled. I know because all of which have occurred in my life. Instead of walking away, I chose to go around the other side. What I experienced from a different point of view, gave me hope. I saw handwritten words of adoration that were secured amongst a fallen world. I was witness to brush strokes of colour; shimmering golds and glints of silver, crimson and indigo, yoked in togetherness. Each fastener was embraced in the shape of a heart.

Standing there it was as if my soul was breathing. I was not looking for love, yet it found me in such a way that I wanted to fall to my knees. In understanding the void I have tried to fill with the vices of mankind, I have already been ransomed by our creator. His love for me comes at no cost.

This does not mean I want to for go the need to find my one true mate…that person if meant in my life, has already been chosen.

Despite all the fragments of my scarred heart, I STILL believe in happily ever after. That maybe there is a possibility that even as I type, my words will be read by the one person whose faith is true, his heart is full of compassion and he does not judge me for the choices made.

I believe that I am meant for joy on this earth, as God created me with so much love to give, in return.

By TL Alton