Death- Where is Your Sting? Part 2

 

I awake like I have every December 12^th since 2011 with the same simple prayer… “Today, I am one day closer.”
In my mind, I see my daughter on a small boat, sailing to her final resting place. Shayla is at peace. 

One day, I will embark on my own voyage and leave behind a world of turmoil. In the meantime, I plug into my ‘fight song’ and the warrior within raises me out of bed, to spread the light of Shae that others have come to know still lives on. 

I know this day of sorrow is not solely mine, for the 12^th  is the birthday of my best friend’s daughter, Lindsay who passed away. A newfound friend named Pam told me about a gentleman , who shared his 21 yr old son died six years ago on the very day, Shayla did. It is called Club 21 and no parent wants to have a membership to. 

My cell phone begins to fill with messages… from the connections in my life comes an outpouring of love and prayers. 

From a lady I have yet to meet…who also had two sons and a grandson pass away: Hi sunshine. Gentleness and beauty for your heart today my friend...Hugs, Pam

“Hi Tonya, I write to you on what was the worst day of your life and every parent’s greatest fear. May you find some joy on this day, the day that changed you forever.  Your blog post makes me believe this is possible. Hugs TJ” 

There was a beautiful outpouring of kindness from Judy, Sarah, Terry, Michelle, Sherry, Alicia, Cindy and Gary. 

Created by Shayla and sent to me on Mother's Day xo
Their words settled on me as I prepared for a day that instead of closing my heart off, I was choosing to Celebrate my daughter’s life. More messages came in a flow of love as people embraced the bond Shayla and I had. While a source of the enemy wanted to rub into my scarred heart, the imperfections of our relationship, I know where I stand six years after her passing…we had one of the strongest bonds.

A week before, I had passed by the CFAX Santa’s Anonymous table, with a tree decorated with requests by kids. I decided to look and was near the end without anything jumping out at me, when suddenly I saw it. A young 8 year old girl had written: “I love the colour purple and would like a comforter for Christmas.”

I took the coloured paper ornament off, gave my information and soon came back with a reversible bed cover. I chose it for the beautiful message it had printed: Strong Girls will rule the world…Girls Rock…just Be awesome, Be Brave! A bonus was the one side was completely purple with small stars. 

Today, accessing my daily truth from Brave Living, a passage leapt out at me.
"If something shows back up in your life, friend…please don’t let it scare you, haunt you or bring you shame. Just know that it must be time to heal a little bit more of it…to learn a little more…to let a little bit more go. You are so very loved. Xoxo"
 
Before leaving, I took another look at the lovely bouquet of flowers from Jenn and Tim, the couple who I stay in one of their rooms. The white flowers had silver glitter all dusted over their petals. The note said: In Celebration of her life. Love Tim and Jenn. 

While waiting for transit to show up, I took a bag of chocolate dipped shortbread around to the people waiting for the bus. A young man named Richard was overcome with emotion, when I explained about my pin. He shared how he had finished taking courses in Mental Health and Addictions (just as Shayla had) and now he was going to pursue a career as a Social Worker. In my head, I was raising a glass to the heavens and rejoicing.

On the bus, I took account of the cookie and treat bags I had made up. Looking at the seat in front of me, my eyes were on the glints of light and I thought of my babygirl. xo

 
I reflected back to the box of Christmas cards I had written out the night before. Each one held a sentiment that expressed the value of a person, living on the streets. I inserted a sparkling, paper, angel that I had written words such as Hope, Strength, Love and other words of light. 

I knew my day would be long and I prayed for my own courage needed to set out on the mission I was on. The goal of the day was to do as many random acts of kindness, as possible. 

On my way walking to a restaurant, I saw a stressed man, broken down at the side of the road. I stopped to inquire if everything was alright. Turns out he had some very expressive words to convey his situation…but said BCAA was on the way! He noticed my pin and asked about it. I introduced myself to Darren, sharing the passing of my daughter. His face softened and I reached into my bag of goodies asking him if he would like a cookie? He was sheepish and took the shortbread I gave, with a smile. I offered a hug, which he happily took and as I was leaving, I patted Darren’s shoulder…”Hang in there!” I said. 

My first stop was to go to Boston Pizza…a business where Shayla once worked. It felt like the timing was perfect as the song greeting me in was ‘Celebration Time.’  I was wearing my favourite pin of my babygirl- right above my heart. Shae loved her ‘Pasta Tuesdays,’ therefore I ordered a dish. I had a mango juice cocktail. After looking at the dessert menu, I found a perfect example of donating to the BP Foundation Future Prospects. 

I ordered it and was glad I had! Before I was going to pay my bill, a waitress named Natalie asked about my pin. I am used to the inquiry and shared about Shayla and how she had brought safety changes to the road, where her car wreck occurred. Turned out Natalie is a mother of a 21 yr old daughter. She said that my bill was taken care of, as she had paid it! I was deeply touched by her kind gesture, all the while adding up how much my bill, plus donation was as I would later gift the money homeless youth. I left a nice tip and smiled at how I was trying to give when I was receiving. 

I walked up to the courtyard of the shopping center and was approaching an elderly homeless man. I asked if he wanted a bag of cookies and at first he hesitated, but then thrust forth a hand that looked like a road map, matching his creases on his face. I gave him the envelope containing the Christmas card. When I explained what was inside, his face drooped and tears formed in his eyes. His words were stammered as his hand began to tremble. Nothing more was needed as that paper card and angel held in his palm meant the world to him. 

At Starbucks, Rebecca asked about my pin and again I shared. When asked what name I wanted on my coffee cup, I didn’t hesitate… “Shayla.” 

This day was all about celebrating her. 

When I paid for my coffee she gave me a card for a free beverage! I just sighed as I calculated the cost of it and how I would give that amount away…which I did at The Salvation Army Kettle ball, with volunteer Peggy at the helm. I shared how Shayla used to ring the bells and she liked hearing how a young person gave of their time. 

Before leaving the area, I stopped into the Adrenaline Zip kiosk, where I spent time speaking with two wonderful young ladies, Andy and Megan. I talked about the Bungee jump Shayla and I had done for charity, much to the chagrin of the girls, once they discovered we were sans clothes! Our conversation took a poignant turn when I made a special request. I asked them to call their moms to say they loved them. I divulged how I miss hearing those three words from my daughter. With tears Andy said she was going to do it right away and suddenly Megan came around from behind the kiosk and wrapped her arms around me… “I Love You!” At that moment I was engulfed with the greatest feeling of importance... to someone I did not even know. 

Once back on the bus, I travel downtown in search of those in need. I am greeted with hugs and a group of homeless people remember me, from my last visit. I take note how much the Christmas cards mean to them. Some open up theirs right in front of me and when they see the angel, faces light up. It felt as if death’s sting had been taken out from my broken heart! 

The twisted nature of the enemy finds a fracture amongst your scars- a place where the radiance can come through- leaves an opening for the darkness to seep in. While my day had been infused with joy and good deeds, my night was plagued by disbelief, hurt, anger and finally pent up release, over a situation I was blindsided by.

While I encountered the sting of the enemy, I refuse to let it take hold.

Tomorrow is a new day and God knows what went on behind closed doors in order for me to make the final decision to let go…hands folded in prayer...not for how I reacted, but for the way I shared my hurt.

My long day ended, with me walking the three blocks, to where I am staying. Arriving in tears, I thanked God for giving me the strength to trust in Him.
At the door to my room, I found this: 

Shayla was COMPASSION…Shayla was LIGHT and on the sixth year marking her passing, I chose to spend this December 12th, as a testimony to the LOVE her ripples are still spreading. 

By TL Alton