This IS Me!

 "When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

  I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

  I am brave, I am proof

  I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

  Look out 'cause here I come

  And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

  I'm not scared to be seen

  I make no apologies, this is me..."

Keala Settle & The Greatest Showman Ensemble - This Is Me

VIDEO LINK “This Is Me “The Greatest Showman” >>> https://youtu.be/wEJd2RyGm8Q

Birthdays are a time to celebrate, reflect on another year gone by. Many spend it with family, friends and loved ones. Mine…was spent with strangers. It was a day I cherished. 

Catching the bus into town, I met a bubbly woman by the name of Dorothy. The colourful stripes in her hair had me make her acquaintance. During our bus ride, I heard stories of real love found in her husband of sixty-one years. Dorothy beamed with pride, when she told me how her father, was one of the stone-cutters on the Parliament buildings in Victoria. As we went past some power lines, she smirked and pointing to an area the bus was passing, she said: “My aunt owned 26 acres of land and had cows…but no one wanted to buy the milk, as the cows grazed under those power lines, every day.”

When sharing about her children, she recounted her losses and I shared about my daughter. Before we parted ways she added, “You know, death is easy…it’s the living that takes our time.” 

After my bus stop, I decided to go to the Boston Pizza, where servers Natalie and Andy had been gracious to me on December 12^th.  Natalie had bought my meal and I wanted to say hello again. It was Andy who greeted me first with a smile that could knock your socks off! He remembered me and when I asked about Natalie, Andy went and brought her up front. We spoke, mother to mother and besides giving me her time and kindness, she shared with me something that makes me tear up, even as I write this. Natalie had checked on-line my writing and about the passing of Shayla. She explained how the ripples of my daughter are continuing on as she shared about me, my journey and my tragic loss with her own children, her parents and even her boyfriend. Natalie went on to say how that day meeting me, impacted her life in a profound way. She asked for more links to my writing and I happily obliged. We hugged for a second time and I was on my way. 

Out with the old...

In with the new

As I walked in the rain, I thought of how far my grief journey has evolved. This year, for a present to myself, I decided to finally purchase a new keyboard for my daughter’s old laptop. The keys once were imprinted with her fingertips. Over the years, I simply could not part with it and created stickers or letters to memory, never wanting to imagine I would one day let go. 

Yet this year is different…the winds of change have brought with it a sense of a new identity past 12/12/11. While I have reached a level of ‘acceptance,’ there is still the emptiness of not waking up to Happy Birthday Momma 💓 on January 17^th. 

Ask any parent who has had a child die and the grains of sand in the hourglass of time stopped that day. However, until I decided to understand a shift altering my world does not mean I  would lose my connection… it was only then I began to embrace how to find my own purpose. 

Making my way to pick up my mail, I was gifted with several cards, with some having tokens of money, which included a card from my brother and mother. Last year, after my healing time in Port Alberni and by mercy of God, I took a leap of faith and reconnected with the only family I have left. 

Forgiveness is not merely a word to me. As a Christian, I need to walk in that light and extend to others what I hope for in return. I am still a work in progress and in the midst of being accountable, He extends grace. Along the broken road, there have been many occasions I have been wayward and time lost will never be regained within this realm. Nevertheless, there is a bigger picture…one that shows me the opportunity to be at peace. 

A Light in the dark Faerie candle gift from Theresa 💜

Once I was returned to the city for lunch, I found myself in the company of another lovely lady, named Alice. I struck up a conversation with her about the wonderful hat she was wearing. We spoke of our beloved hat store in town, Roberta’s Hats and I shared with Alice about my cherished Touché cloche hat purchased in London. When we spoke of family, a common thread of children passing was exchanged. She wished me a Happy Birthday and soon I was off to watch a film.  

After the movie ended at the Capitol 6 theatre, a young man who was an usher, had a conversation with me. Our talk ventured into the sin city known as Hollywood and the recent scandals to hit the industry. As a survivor of many abysmal things, I can empathize with those who are coming forward, for they have risked far greater than those who were the perpetrators. 

I have watched unfold in the headlines, secrets tucked away on shelves in between movie cans, private screenings and the casting couch. Like a powder keg whose fuse was finally lit, those who are indeed guilty cannot hide behind a pin bearing, “Time’s Up.” However, I feel the phrase does not convey what has been occurring amongst the glitz and glamour, all the way back to when Dame Helen Mirren was a rising starlet in 1960’s. I feel more apt to wear a pin that states: “About Time!” 

 

Waiting for the bus, I met Jasmine. A young Indo-Canadian girl, who is studying criminal justice, I praise her for the career path that will be deluged in hypocrisy. When she spoke of her family, my thoughts reflected on the levels of social inequality in her parent’s homeland of India.

     

The people whose lives intersected my birthday were each a gift to me. I had been blessed with their time and the wisdom they had to share. Every person gave me insight to who they were…diverse, sharpened souls who are living life and not afraid to speak their minds!

When I awoke on my 47^th Birthday, there was a message for me I took to heart…

Your daily truth from Brave Living...

Dear grateful soul,

When we have difficulties finding the beauty we are looking for, we always have the ability and the choice to go out and create it.

Between the beauty and truth already out there and what we can create....we can each find joy and strength at any time. Isn't that wonderful?

You are so very loved.
xoxo

I  had decided to march onward into the day; making no apologies for who I am…

THIS IS ME! 💞

By TL Alton

This Little Light of 2018

Wise is the person who would rather give honour than receive it.

London’s Café Rendezvous has nice lighting, comfortable couches, and the smell of coffee in the air. What it doesn’t have are prices. Originally started as a business by a local church, the café was transformed a year after it started. The managers felt that God was calling them to do something radical—make everything on the menu free. Today you can order a coffee, cake, or sandwich without cost. There isn’t even a donation jar. It’s all a gift. 

I asked the manager why they were so generous. “We’re just trying to treat people the way God treats us,” he said. “God gives to us whether we thank him or not. He’s generous to us beyond our imaginations.” 

~ Our Daily Bread/Dec. 11

The first week of a new year upon me is saturated in growth; while the taxing nature of improvement is a daily reminder of my mortality. Words that have been exchanged hang in the air I breathe; yet it my response to them that shows signs of transformation. Much like the trumpet-shaped, ochre, petals of a rose mallow flower, I am standing tall. 

The words on my room door xx

Over the holidays, I opted for connections amongst society that reached outwards in the universe. My tradition of seeing a film on Christmas Day, found me watching a musical – “The Greatest Showman.”  Later, I sat in amongst strangers as I had my Christmas meal at Denny’s. I was gifted the means to go out and treat myself, as my dear friend Judy had made it possible to do so. 

Some of "My Favourites" I bring into the New Year xo

This New Years, I chose to stay in. Unlike previous celebrations, I wanted to be doing something of importance, which held real value. My evening was immersed amongst those who are entrenched within; I was joined by Christian, Skylar and Gwennie Sue who summoned me onto the very pages I created them on. Working on the edits of my first novel, “Under the Sitka Tree,” saw me typing past the midnight hour. The reality that I need to prepare for publication, is tied into the reduction of words, I have had to carry out. Chapter after chapter has materialized in a story of Canadian historical fiction, where the world of Ospero Falls blurs mine. 

Those who have followed along the countless twists and turns of my writing path know of my devotion, to this book. In a thousand lifetimes, over and over again, I would want the honour of composing Sitka. It has been a blessing, to be chosen to write about the spirit tree, I am bound with.

2018 is the year, to release it from the confines of a 10-year- old laptop, onto the desk of a Canadian publishing house. Those who have intertwined their lives with my roots – will see God’s handiwork unfold.

Here's to YOU UTST! XO

For me, working on my book New Year’s Eve, was not work at all…I was ‘surrounded’ by those whose lineage I know better than my own family. In welcoming in 2018, I toasted with a bottle of Mionetto, Prosecco di Treviso Brut. The gold label had 1887 written on it and I was intrigued to find the year connected to British Columbia’s heritage. In May1887, The CPR main line was extended 12.2 miles along Burrard Inlet to Vancouver. 

In my novel, I delve into the stratum of freedom that saw thousands of slaves escape on a railroad that had neither locomotive nor tracks – the Underground Railroad. The voices of those who died at the hands of slave catchers and those who found independence on the soil of our country – are part of my story –produced by faith. 

My choice to be in the company of those who have inspired me as a writer, proved to be a wise decision, for I was bringing in the New Year, the one kindred bind that I will be remembered by…my words.

 ~ A lovely unexpected Christmas greeting from my mother

Even in the solitude, I felt warmth amongst my confined area. It is amazing how a person adjusts to a small space and finds comfort within its four walls. I have come to know home being redefined in the various forms I have been encircled by. For me, the requirements for my writing are an outlet to plug into and a place to sit. I recall last year camping amongst the lofty branches of Douglas firs, sitting on a rock and my extension cord powered into a source of electricity. 

I have inhaled the particles of oxygen in many parts of this earth, while the invisible pen in my hand has drawn in my reading audience. I carry out what I do… spinning stories with threads of connection to my soul, never fully knowing the direction they are released. The only riches are found in the off chance someone responds; for the bounty of my composing is not for monetary means; rather the effect it has on others. 

After my December blog post celebrating the life of my daughter, I shared it with the Senior Director of Communications at Boston Pizza.  The following email I received. 

Dear Tonya,

Thank you so very much for sharing your beautiful story with us. Reading it brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful way to honour Shayla. Sounds to me like you have yourself an angel in this life. I’m sending you warm wishes during this Holiday season and wish you all the best. I will be sure to share this amazing story with the owners of the Victoria BP. We are so glad we could be a part of that important day for you.

All my best, Alex 

Alexandra Cygal | Senior Director, Communications

This reply sums up why I share openly with the world…one never knows the ripple effect it can have. 

 

Moving into the New Year, one thing my resolutions did not contain; unrealistic expectations of things that I would only be setting myself up to fail. Instead, I focused on the simpler things that bring me a great deal of satisfaction. Last year, I was able to study numerous books that both enlarged my territory and also touched my life. 

This January, I’ve embarked again on gaining knowledge, insight and positive growth through my immersing in more reading. There is one book that is opened daily…my Bible. Over the course of two years, I have been taken on a journey of spiritual fulfilment; one where I do question or seek answers. 

After 500 pages, I am not merely trying to ‘get through it,’ I am steadfast in understanding more than this planet we inhabit. I wholly trust something far greater than our existence and because of being touched by death, I continue to honour this life I have been given. 

Wishing friends, foes and those who I do not know…The Happiest of 2018!

My toque is a gift from my babygirl xo My t-shirt reads: I Love You to the Moon & Back! xo

By TL Alton