This IS Me!

 "When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

  I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

  I am brave, I am proof

  I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

  Look out 'cause here I come

  And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

  I'm not scared to be seen

  I make no apologies, this is me..."

Keala Settle & The Greatest Showman Ensemble - This Is Me

VIDEO LINK “This Is Me “The Greatest Showman” >>> https://youtu.be/wEJd2RyGm8Q

Birthdays are a time to celebrate, reflect on another year gone by. Many spend it with family, friends and loved ones. Mine…was spent with strangers. It was a day I cherished. 

Catching the bus into town, I met a bubbly woman by the name of Dorothy. The colourful stripes in her hair had me make her acquaintance. During our bus ride, I heard stories of real love found in her husband of sixty-one years. Dorothy beamed with pride, when she told me how her father, was one of the stone-cutters on the Parliament buildings in Victoria. As we went past some power lines, she smirked and pointing to an area the bus was passing, she said: “My aunt owned 26 acres of land and had cows…but no one wanted to buy the milk, as the cows grazed under those power lines, every day.”

When sharing about her children, she recounted her losses and I shared about my daughter. Before we parted ways she added, “You know, death is easy…it’s the living that takes our time.” 

After my bus stop, I decided to go to the Boston Pizza, where servers Natalie and Andy had been gracious to me on December 12^th.  Natalie had bought my meal and I wanted to say hello again. It was Andy who greeted me first with a smile that could knock your socks off! He remembered me and when I asked about Natalie, Andy went and brought her up front. We spoke, mother to mother and besides giving me her time and kindness, she shared with me something that makes me tear up, even as I write this. Natalie had checked on-line my writing and about the passing of Shayla. She explained how the ripples of my daughter are continuing on as she shared about me, my journey and my tragic loss with her own children, her parents and even her boyfriend. Natalie went on to say how that day meeting me, impacted her life in a profound way. She asked for more links to my writing and I happily obliged. We hugged for a second time and I was on my way. 

Out with the old...

In with the new

As I walked in the rain, I thought of how far my grief journey has evolved. This year, for a present to myself, I decided to finally purchase a new keyboard for my daughter’s old laptop. The keys once were imprinted with her fingertips. Over the years, I simply could not part with it and created stickers or letters to memory, never wanting to imagine I would one day let go. 

Yet this year is different…the winds of change have brought with it a sense of a new identity past 12/12/11. While I have reached a level of ‘acceptance,’ there is still the emptiness of not waking up to Happy Birthday Momma 💓 on January 17^th. 

Ask any parent who has had a child die and the grains of sand in the hourglass of time stopped that day. However, until I decided to understand a shift altering my world does not mean I  would lose my connection… it was only then I began to embrace how to find my own purpose. 

Making my way to pick up my mail, I was gifted with several cards, with some having tokens of money, which included a card from my brother and mother. Last year, after my healing time in Port Alberni and by mercy of God, I took a leap of faith and reconnected with the only family I have left. 

Forgiveness is not merely a word to me. As a Christian, I need to walk in that light and extend to others what I hope for in return. I am still a work in progress and in the midst of being accountable, He extends grace. Along the broken road, there have been many occasions I have been wayward and time lost will never be regained within this realm. Nevertheless, there is a bigger picture…one that shows me the opportunity to be at peace. 

A Light in the dark Faerie candle gift from Theresa 💜

Once I was returned to the city for lunch, I found myself in the company of another lovely lady, named Alice. I struck up a conversation with her about the wonderful hat she was wearing. We spoke of our beloved hat store in town, Roberta’s Hats and I shared with Alice about my cherished Touché cloche hat purchased in London. When we spoke of family, a common thread of children passing was exchanged. She wished me a Happy Birthday and soon I was off to watch a film.  

After the movie ended at the Capitol 6 theatre, a young man who was an usher, had a conversation with me. Our talk ventured into the sin city known as Hollywood and the recent scandals to hit the industry. As a survivor of many abysmal things, I can empathize with those who are coming forward, for they have risked far greater than those who were the perpetrators. 

I have watched unfold in the headlines, secrets tucked away on shelves in between movie cans, private screenings and the casting couch. Like a powder keg whose fuse was finally lit, those who are indeed guilty cannot hide behind a pin bearing, “Time’s Up.” However, I feel the phrase does not convey what has been occurring amongst the glitz and glamour, all the way back to when Dame Helen Mirren was a rising starlet in 1960’s. I feel more apt to wear a pin that states: “About Time!” 

 

Waiting for the bus, I met Jasmine. A young Indo-Canadian girl, who is studying criminal justice, I praise her for the career path that will be deluged in hypocrisy. When she spoke of her family, my thoughts reflected on the levels of social inequality in her parent’s homeland of India.

     

The people whose lives intersected my birthday were each a gift to me. I had been blessed with their time and the wisdom they had to share. Every person gave me insight to who they were…diverse, sharpened souls who are living life and not afraid to speak their minds!

When I awoke on my 47^th Birthday, there was a message for me I took to heart…

Your daily truth from Brave Living...

Dear grateful soul,

When we have difficulties finding the beauty we are looking for, we always have the ability and the choice to go out and create it.

Between the beauty and truth already out there and what we can create....we can each find joy and strength at any time. Isn't that wonderful?

You are so very loved.
xoxo

I  had decided to march onward into the day; making no apologies for who I am…

THIS IS ME! 💞

By TL Alton